The Ups and Downs

I got out early from orchestra today and when I walked into the hallway I could hear the Philharmonic Orchestra rehearsing.  They were playing the end of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture (ctrl click on this, the best is 3:55 to the end).  It stopped me in my tracks.  I had to stay and listen.  I love that piece.  It is so powerful.
Whenever I hear great music it makes me cry. 

I walked to my next class playing the music in my mind, thrilled that the Phil would be performing it.

Then, I walked into class.

Every time I go to this class I feel inadequate.  I feel like I am drowning in a pool full of Olympic swimmers.  Every single time I go, I feel frustration building inside of me.  I want to cry.  I don't know anything and I don't know how to learn it.  I go to lecture and people ask stupid questions that make the material even harder to understand.  I look at my assignment and I don't even know where to begin.  And I try not to cry, because that would be embarrassing.

Then I think about how happy I was before, back when I had just listened to the end of the 1812 Overture, and I wish that I could hold on to that.

But it slips through my fingers.

Just So You Know

I survived the second week of school. 
It's only been two weeks.
What the heck.

I bought a planner.  It is crazy useful.  Already I've used it a ton.  Which makes sense because it is a planner and you usually write stuff in planners, at least, I do, when I remember to.  Also it makes sense because I have a lot of things to remember and if I don't write them down I won't remember.  My planner has kind of been instrumental in my surviving this week. 

Here's a picture.

It's a llama.  Can't you tell? 

I saw the fluffiest llama last weekend.  Or it was fat, it was hard to tell.

Sometimes we need friends to give us advice we don't want

So I was going crazy.  All I could think about was how much stuff I had to do and how little time I had to do it.  Then, it got worse.  The weekend happened.  So, naturally I was trying to get everything done the last day of it.  And nothing was working.  My mind wandered, I couldn't focus on anything.  I looked at my textbook sitting on my bed next to me and I wanted to cry.  Instead, I got angry.  Angry at everyone and everything.  Angry that I had so much to do and no one was helping me.  Angry that the printer didn't do what I thought I told it to do.  Angry that I needed to make dinner.  Angry that the weekend was over and I didn't feel relaxed.  Angry that I had to go to school, where it was going to get worse, not better and I was going to get further and further behind, while I scrambled to try and learn things and be successful and not go crazy.

So, here I am.  I have come to a decision.  Not really momentous, but it kind of feels that way, sort of.  I am going to drop a class.  Calculus 2, in fact.  Unfortunately, I can't leave it forever, I will have to take it sometime.  But that sometime doesn't have to be today.  I will probably be taking it next summer, which totally sucks.  But at least it's not right now.

I'm relieved. 

Down to 12.5 credits and I can really do this ^_^

Happy Things that Happen

Want to hear something FANTASTIC?

Of course you do, why wouldn't you?

I became employed today!
I'm going to be working with a professor on a project.  I don't get to work many hours, which is perfectly fine, because, well, if you read my last blog post you know why.  But I'm so happy because I'm earning some (a very little) monies, while I am getting valuable experience. 

Isn't this fantastic! 

By the way, I love the word 'fantastic'.  I think it is a fantastic word.  It can be said with genuine feeling, but it is also brilliant when used sarcastically.  Overall, it rates among my favorite words.  You know what else is a great word?  Bulbous. ^_^