Graduation and the Future

I graduated from BYU this last August. Like, for real, I graduated. I wore the cap and gown and tassel, I walked in Commencement, I walked in Convocation, I even played a solo on my French horn during my college's convocation, I got a diploma case, shook the dean's hand, and took a million pictures with my family. This is for real, people.

These are my siblings, they almost dropped me on my face. Do you see the terror in my eyes?

Graduation was an amazing experience, but also super bittersweet. I've been at BYU for seven years. Yes, seven years. I know, I know, it is a very long time to be in college. But I learned so much, you know, because of all the classes :). Seriously, though, these last seven years have been so life changing.

I have gone from wanting to be a professional musician, to wanting to study geological hazards, to wanting to read and write, to not knowing at all. That is where I am now, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and it looks like I am, in many ways, grown up.

Here I am, an adult now. Technically I've been an adult for years, but it has never really felt real until this moment when my safety blanket of undergraduate classes and part time college jobs is gone. Now I'm not just biding my time until graduation day, I'm living the future that I never thought about and, yet, always did. It's my life to live, to make into whatever I want it to be.

So, what do I do now?
?????????????????

The Sun

Sometimes the sun comes out. When it does, things that seemed impossible and insurmountable become manageable. It makes everything less frustrating, less hard, less hopeless.
Sometimes, when the sun comes out, it is like for a second the whole universe is rooting for you, cheering you on, giving you the boost you need to keep moving forward.
Sometimes, when the sun comes out, it is easier to walk tall, with a spring in your step.
Sometimes, when the sun comes out, the darkness fades to the distance, a shadow of pain that will pass.
And sometimes, when the sun comes out, it lightens up your soul, so that even when the clouds hide away the sun again, it isn't quite so hard to imagine how you felt in the sunlight.

Playing Pretend

I'm going to pretend it hasn't been a year since I last posted on my blog, and I'm going to pretend everyone knows that I lived in Scotland and Ireland for two months over the summer.
I'm also going to pretend everyone knows that I'm graduating in April (hopefully), and that I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life once I graduate.
I going to pretend everyone knows that I'm graduating in English, and that I don't want to become an English teacher.
I'm also going to pretend that I'm not terrified that I'm going to screw up this semester like I did last semester.
I'm going to pretend everyone knows about how terribly difficult last semester was for me.
I'm going to pretend that everyone knows that I tried not to give up, even though I'd already given up, and that the effort I summoned from the depths at the last minute meant something, even though it didn't change anything at all.
I'm going to pretend that I can deliver that effort this semester before it is too late.
I'm going to pretend that I believe that hard work pays off.
I'm going to pretend that it is easy to share private thoughts on a public blog.
And I'm going to pretend that I have hope in the future, because I don't, but maybe if I pretend long and hard enough I will start to have some.

Interview

I had an interview today. It was for a job in the library. I’ve never worked in a library before. I think it would be pretty great if I got the job. I told one my friends that I had an interview in the library and she said that those are the coveted jobs on campus. She does not lie. Basically they look glamorous and fantastical. Which is why I probably won’t get it.

I think the only reason I got the interview is because, for the first time in my life, I wrote a real cover letter. One time I took a class where the teacher made us write a cover letter, mine was full of semi made up qualifications and skills, so it doesn’t count as an actual cover letter. So this letter that I sent with my resume and class schedule is my first real cover letter. And it was fantastic. I gave specific examples of awesome skills that I have. I talked myself up in the best way, and it worked, I got the call for an interview. Too bad I sort of panicked in it.

I was so nervous and I talked so fast, like the words couldn’t escape my mouth fast enough. I’m fairly certain that doesn’t show confidence, it shows a kind of terror unique to interviews. Then I said stupid things like “I think it would be cool to work in a library” and “I’m so nervous I think my brain might explode.” 

My brain exploding from nervousness.

I didn’t really say that last thing, but I did say the first thing twice, so that counts. Then I tried so hard to look them in the eye, but all I wanted to look at was their shoes and the wall behind them (It had the words “Research” on it, and papers with people’s names and their name tags on it, apparently someone named Mary works there). Then they asked me about a specific stressful situation and what I would do and I got all stressed and didn't know what to say. Then they asked me how I deal with stress and I told about a time when I dealt with a stressful situation. I could have just said "How I reacted to that question before this one-that is how I react to stress. This interview is stress. There is your answer." But I didn't say that, so I guess that is something.

I should hear back later this week.

It's gonna be the future soon

Hello, People Who Read My Blog!
Sorry it's been a while since I've posted anything. I just haven't had many words. And a lot of the words I did have weren't fit for public eyes.
Anyways, I'm back.

So I've been thinking a lot about the future. It's kind of scary. You don't know what's coming, but you make plans and hope that they work out, while part of you hopes for some kind of surprise to mix things up and disrupt the plan. Or maybe that's just how I see it.

So far I don't have much of a plan. The plan I do have consists of waiting to see if some opportunities work out and then graduating in a year, unless I decide to push through the summer and graduate in December. How crazy would that be if I graduated in December? Part of me wants to do that, but part of me thinks that I should go the extra semester and try and fit in some classes that will give me actual marketable skills.

What a horrible phrase "marketable skills." Ugh. I hate it. But I really wish I had some of those kinds of skills. Skills like... Crap, I don't even know what they are. But they seem to be the kind that matter. Instead of skills like being able to guess who the bad guy is in the crime drama I'm watching on tv, or being able to kick a soccer ball fairly well with my left foot even though I'm better with my right, or being able to focus intently on the details of all of the six and a half new seasons of Doctor Who that I watched in a week, or being able to sleep through the ringing of many alarm clocks, the number of which would shock and appall you. Too bad those aren't the skills that important human resource type people are looking for. Because if they were, I would be set and the future might not be so scary.

Things I learned last night while being taught West Coast Swing:

1. I need a remedial course in West Coast Swing.
2. I am not comfortable dancing with virtual strangers.  I'm probably not comfortable dancing with people I know, either, but, for sure, not comfortable with strangers.
3. Dancing is awkward.
4. It is especially awkward when you are suddenly being dipped when you've never, ever been dipped while dancing before.
5. That's probably why my back hurts, now that I think about it.
6. Also, despite the fact that I am probably the worst dancer in the history of dance, I had a good time.

I love the Olympics!

I love watching the Olympics. 
I love watching the athletes compete. 
I love watching underdogs win.
I love watching people make history being the first from their country to win a medal or even just to make it to the games.
I love seeing the joy, the pain, the triumph.
I love seeing the friendship among the athletes, and the rivalries.
I love watching history unfold right before my eyes (with a seven hour tape delay ^_^).
I love how watching it consumes my life for two weeks and I love how, when it is over, I feel different, like I can do at least a fraction of what those athletes did. 

GO OLYMPICS!!!!