Graduation and the Future

I graduated from BYU this last August. Like, for real, I graduated. I wore the cap and gown and tassel, I walked in Commencement, I walked in Convocation, I even played a solo on my French horn during my college's convocation, I got a diploma case, shook the dean's hand, and took a million pictures with my family. This is for real, people.

These are my siblings, they almost dropped me on my face. Do you see the terror in my eyes?

Graduation was an amazing experience, but also super bittersweet. I've been at BYU for seven years. Yes, seven years. I know, I know, it is a very long time to be in college. But I learned so much, you know, because of all the classes :). Seriously, though, these last seven years have been so life changing.

I have gone from wanting to be a professional musician, to wanting to study geological hazards, to wanting to read and write, to not knowing at all. That is where I am now, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and it looks like I am, in many ways, grown up.

Here I am, an adult now. Technically I've been an adult for years, but it has never really felt real until this moment when my safety blanket of undergraduate classes and part time college jobs is gone. Now I'm not just biding my time until graduation day, I'm living the future that I never thought about and, yet, always did. It's my life to live, to make into whatever I want it to be.

So, what do I do now?
?????????????????

The Sun

Sometimes the sun comes out. When it does, things that seemed impossible and insurmountable become manageable. It makes everything less frustrating, less hard, less hopeless.
Sometimes, when the sun comes out, it is like for a second the whole universe is rooting for you, cheering you on, giving you the boost you need to keep moving forward.
Sometimes, when the sun comes out, it is easier to walk tall, with a spring in your step.
Sometimes, when the sun comes out, the darkness fades to the distance, a shadow of pain that will pass.
And sometimes, when the sun comes out, it lightens up your soul, so that even when the clouds hide away the sun again, it isn't quite so hard to imagine how you felt in the sunlight.

Playing Pretend

I'm going to pretend it hasn't been a year since I last posted on my blog, and I'm going to pretend everyone knows that I lived in Scotland and Ireland for two months over the summer.
I'm also going to pretend everyone knows that I'm graduating in April (hopefully), and that I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life once I graduate.
I going to pretend everyone knows that I'm graduating in English, and that I don't want to become an English teacher.
I'm also going to pretend that I'm not terrified that I'm going to screw up this semester like I did last semester.
I'm going to pretend everyone knows about how terribly difficult last semester was for me.
I'm going to pretend that everyone knows that I tried not to give up, even though I'd already given up, and that the effort I summoned from the depths at the last minute meant something, even though it didn't change anything at all.
I'm going to pretend that I can deliver that effort this semester before it is too late.
I'm going to pretend that I believe that hard work pays off.
I'm going to pretend that it is easy to share private thoughts on a public blog.
And I'm going to pretend that I have hope in the future, because I don't, but maybe if I pretend long and hard enough I will start to have some.

Interview

I had an interview today. It was for a job in the library. I’ve never worked in a library before. I think it would be pretty great if I got the job. I told one my friends that I had an interview in the library and she said that those are the coveted jobs on campus. She does not lie. Basically they look glamorous and fantastical. Which is why I probably won’t get it.

I think the only reason I got the interview is because, for the first time in my life, I wrote a real cover letter. One time I took a class where the teacher made us write a cover letter, mine was full of semi made up qualifications and skills, so it doesn’t count as an actual cover letter. So this letter that I sent with my resume and class schedule is my first real cover letter. And it was fantastic. I gave specific examples of awesome skills that I have. I talked myself up in the best way, and it worked, I got the call for an interview. Too bad I sort of panicked in it.

I was so nervous and I talked so fast, like the words couldn’t escape my mouth fast enough. I’m fairly certain that doesn’t show confidence, it shows a kind of terror unique to interviews. Then I said stupid things like “I think it would be cool to work in a library” and “I’m so nervous I think my brain might explode.” 

My brain exploding from nervousness.

I didn’t really say that last thing, but I did say the first thing twice, so that counts. Then I tried so hard to look them in the eye, but all I wanted to look at was their shoes and the wall behind them (It had the words “Research” on it, and papers with people’s names and their name tags on it, apparently someone named Mary works there). Then they asked me about a specific stressful situation and what I would do and I got all stressed and didn't know what to say. Then they asked me how I deal with stress and I told about a time when I dealt with a stressful situation. I could have just said "How I reacted to that question before this one-that is how I react to stress. This interview is stress. There is your answer." But I didn't say that, so I guess that is something.

I should hear back later this week.

It's gonna be the future soon

Hello, People Who Read My Blog!
Sorry it's been a while since I've posted anything. I just haven't had many words. And a lot of the words I did have weren't fit for public eyes.
Anyways, I'm back.

So I've been thinking a lot about the future. It's kind of scary. You don't know what's coming, but you make plans and hope that they work out, while part of you hopes for some kind of surprise to mix things up and disrupt the plan. Or maybe that's just how I see it.

So far I don't have much of a plan. The plan I do have consists of waiting to see if some opportunities work out and then graduating in a year, unless I decide to push through the summer and graduate in December. How crazy would that be if I graduated in December? Part of me wants to do that, but part of me thinks that I should go the extra semester and try and fit in some classes that will give me actual marketable skills.

What a horrible phrase "marketable skills." Ugh. I hate it. But I really wish I had some of those kinds of skills. Skills like... Crap, I don't even know what they are. But they seem to be the kind that matter. Instead of skills like being able to guess who the bad guy is in the crime drama I'm watching on tv, or being able to kick a soccer ball fairly well with my left foot even though I'm better with my right, or being able to focus intently on the details of all of the six and a half new seasons of Doctor Who that I watched in a week, or being able to sleep through the ringing of many alarm clocks, the number of which would shock and appall you. Too bad those aren't the skills that important human resource type people are looking for. Because if they were, I would be set and the future might not be so scary.

Things I learned last night while being taught West Coast Swing:

1. I need a remedial course in West Coast Swing.
2. I am not comfortable dancing with virtual strangers.  I'm probably not comfortable dancing with people I know, either, but, for sure, not comfortable with strangers.
3. Dancing is awkward.
4. It is especially awkward when you are suddenly being dipped when you've never, ever been dipped while dancing before.
5. That's probably why my back hurts, now that I think about it.
6. Also, despite the fact that I am probably the worst dancer in the history of dance, I had a good time.

I love the Olympics!

I love watching the Olympics. 
I love watching the athletes compete. 
I love watching underdogs win.
I love watching people make history being the first from their country to win a medal or even just to make it to the games.
I love seeing the joy, the pain, the triumph.
I love seeing the friendship among the athletes, and the rivalries.
I love watching history unfold right before my eyes (with a seven hour tape delay ^_^).
I love how watching it consumes my life for two weeks and I love how, when it is over, I feel different, like I can do at least a fraction of what those athletes did. 

GO OLYMPICS!!!!

Exhaustion

I got a job a few months back.  It's great.  The work isn't that bad and I love the people I work with.  They are fantastic.
However, I'm exhausted.  All the time.
I miss sleeping.  It is my favorite thing and I haven't been getting nearly enough.

Oh, Sleep, where have you gone?

Fear

I'm scared because my state is on fire.  As I am writing this there are eight fires blazing across Utah, not to mention the devastating fires in other states.  I'm not super close to any of them, but I can smell the smoke.  I can feel it in my nose and throat.  I can see it's cloying mist hanging over the valley. 

They start so fast and then they are burning down people's homes, their lives, all that they have.  And you just sit and watch and pray that your home isn't next.  You pray for those people and you hope they all make it out safe.  You pray that they have the most important things.  And you hope and pray that tomorrow around this same time there won't be a fire barreling down the mountain for your home.

I'm terrified that this won't stop and that it will keep getting worse, until there is nothing left except smoldering ruins and ash.

The Artful Dodger

A little over a month ago I got a rabbit.
He died about week ago. 

I named him the Artful Dodger.  He was so small and so sweet.  He would climb up in my lap and just sit there.  Sometimes when we held him he would climb up and sit on our shoulders.  He loved eating dandelions leaves.  He peed on my sister the first day I had him.  And he was the best and sweetest one.  I will really miss him.

Dodger

We took a trip to Crazytown and made my brother come

Two and a half weeks ago my sister and I saw a fairly cheap rabbit hutch on the classifieds.  It was about an hour away... but it was cheap.  So we decided to go look at it and we made my brother come so he could help us put it in the van (Also for protection in case the sellers were crazies). 

When we got to the hutch place, we decided it looked ginormous, but we would get it, because then I could get me a bunny sometime and it would have a place to stay.  So we paid for it and carried it to our van.  We lifted it and maneuvered it and found, to our horror, it didn't actually fit in the van.  We turned it around and around and tried to get it to go in some other way.  But it wouldn't fit! 

Finally, we were forced to face the fact that we really should have measured the van instead of just assuming the hutch would fit.  I made my brother go ask the people we had bought the hutch from if we could borrow a saw to cut off enough of the legs to fit it in the van.  They laughed, but the guy went and got an electric saw and helped us cut a few inches off the legs and, luckily, it fit.

It was so embarrassing.

My Brother was not embarrassed at all, but my sister and I were... 'cause it was embarrassing.

After that, we drove away... And, since we were in the area-ish, we decided to go look at some cheap bunnies...

...But it turned out we were headed into the Labyrinth.

This city, nay this maze, where the bunnies lived was horrible.  We didn't get there until the light was pretty much gone, and we were trying to find an address that wasn't very clear, the people didn't give us directions, and neither my sister, my brother, nor I have smart phones, so we couldn't just look it up.

We drove around for a bit, trying to find the right street numbers, and failing.  Finally, we called my other sister and asked her to look up this address and tell us how to get there.  She would ask us where we were and we would try and read signs that had tiny little numbers that weren't actually visible at night.  Then she would try tell us where to go.  Through much pain and yelling and exasperation and perseverance, she was able to tell us how to get to the house.

We spent the next thirty to forty minutes falling in love with some very small bunnies.  The family we were buying them from had rescued them from neighbors.  There were five bunnies and they were all really sweet... so we got two. ^_^

Now my sister has two bunnies and I have one; she has one girl and one boy and I have one boy.  They are so cute and I love their faces.  But the only thing is, now we have to worry about keeping them apart so we don't end up having bunny babies, which would not be ok. ^_^

The big one is the one we had from before.  The two little ones are new.  Sizes are only slightly exaggerated ^_^

Spring Term and Bunnies

I'm taking two classes this spring term.  One is an English language class and the other is an English literature class.  They are both pretty cool, but I'm having a hard time convincing myself to do the homework.  All I want to do is look at bunnies and dogs available in the classifieds on the internet. 

My sister got a bunny a few weeks ago and since then I've been wanting my own pet.  I live at home with my parents and my dad doesn't want dogs, so I know I won't get a dog (yet ^_^), but there is a chance I could get a bunny.  So I look and I fall in love, one bunny at a time.

It's really distracting, though, and pretty unrealistic, because most people don't want to give up their bunnies for free, so I would have to pay them and I am very unemployed and broke.  Also, it seems like all the cheap bunnies are far away.  But I still look and waste my time. 

Anyway, here's a picture of my sister's bunny.  It looks braver in this picture than it is in real life.

Major Changes

I changed my major to English. 

I sort of had a mini panic attack the first day of classes this semester.  I was in a lab for one of my Geology classes and I just sort of freaked out because I felt like I didn't know anything and never would be able to figure it out.  I don't think anyone noticed, but I'm not sure.  I left class early and didn't go to any classes the rest of the week.   And I seriously considered dropping out of college.  I didn't really want to drop out of college, but at the same time I did. 

That got me thinking.  I've never really liked my Geology classes.  I mean, some parts were cool, but except for a few fantastically awesome exceptions, I didn't like them.  And for the last two years I've been skipping classes and playing catch up and hating school and wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't even force myself to go to class.  Finally, I figured it out a huge part of it: I don't want to study Geology.  So I dropped most of my Geology classes and decided to change my major.

The only question was what to change to.  After looking at all of the majors offered and after adding an English class to fulfill a general requirement and after praying a lot, I decided that maybe English was something I liked enough to study.  So I changed my major. 

It's scary.  I'm afraid that I screwed up my life.  I'm afraid I made the wrong decision, but I know that I had to make a decision.  I know that I couldn't stay with Geology, but I'm not sure that English is the right choice.  But, is there a right choice?  I just don't know.  Sigh. 

But at the same time, I really like my English class.  I like thinking and talking about the things we are reading in class.  And while my papers haven't been super great so far, at least I've written them, and they're getting better.

So maybe, even though any job that I get because I major in English (if I ever get a job ^_^) won't be nearly as cool as a job I could get as a Geologist, I will be happy.

Also, maybe you noticed, I changed the look of my blog.  I haven't decided for sure if I like it this way, so it might change again soon, but for now this is it.  Enjoy ^_^

Paranoid

For two weeks I have tried not to touch or rub my eyes.

Over Christmas break my niece got pink eye.  Apparently the bacteria from it, that is lingering on everything she touched, can last as long as two weeks.  Since I didn't want to get pink eye, I have been very careful not to touch my eyes, or at least to wash my hands beforehand.  You know, in case I touched any of the same things that my two year old niece did.

It might sound paranoid.  And, well, it is.  But I didn't want to get pink eye.

It's kind of funny, though.  For two weeks I have watched people on TV and in movies rubbing their eyes, because they were tired, or their eyes itched, or for whatever reason and I have been jealous.  I wanted to rub my eyes.  All the time. 

But it's been two weeks since the last symptom, or at least since my niece went back home.  So now if my eyes itch I can take care of it.  Yay!

In case you wondered, this is what I would have looked like with pink eye.  Also, I think, close to what I look like when I am angry, or when I cry. 

A Post!

Guess what?

It's a new year and school has started again.  Already I am sick of it.  Fantastic, right?

Christmas was great. 
My sister and her husband came with their two girls.  My nieces are so cute.  And smart.  The 2 and a half year old almost got sent to bed for being grumpy around 6 PM and after that, she was a perfect angel and played quietly, until her dad realized that she had stayed up until 1:30.  It was hilarious. 

One of my best friends got back from her mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (learn more here).  She was gone a year and a half.  I really missed her and I'm glad she's back.  We always went walking before her mission, and I guess she misses walking now she's back.  So we went on a few walks before she moved to University town. 
Anyway, it makes me so happy to be able to talk to her again.

But, the holidays are over.

And it's back to school.

This is how I feel about being back.  And that puddle is not spit, it's tears. ^_^

Lots of stuff... well... maybe just some stuff

I keep getting this sinking feeling.  Mostly it is about how behind I feel in school.  There is so much to do and so little time.  How cliche.  So little time.

Every time that I sit down to do homework I stare at lists of what needs to be done and I wonder how in the world I am going to finish it.  I don't even know where to start. There's too much.

It's mostly the big assignments that worry me... but now they are all big... or late...

On a brighter (maybe just more exciting) note, I got hit in the face with a soccer ball.  It spun me around and I fell over.  But lest you panic and worry (or think I'm a wuss), I am fine, I think, and I got right back up and kept playing.  I hope I get a black eye, but I don't think I will.  I'm a little worried about my ear, though.  There was a ringing right when I got hit.  It went away, so I'm okay, right?  

On a truly brighter note, I get to see my nieces soonish, just as long as I survive the semester.

My niece prefers to push her stroller, rather than sit in it.  Isn't she awesome ^_^.

Goodbye, Death Valley.

So I wrote this about two weeks ago, but I wanted to add pictures and I loaned my camera to my sister, so I had to wait.

I just got back from a fantastic field trip to Death Valley in California.  We left early Friday morning and got back late Sunday night.  Through a series of events, I wasn't able to bring a tent.  But it was ok because the weather was perfect for sleeping outside.  The sky was clear, the stars were beautiful, the moon was just past full.  There was a bit of chill, but after the heat of the day, that was welcome.

We walked on sand dunes as high as two hundred feet.  We examined the sands, looking at their grain sizes and compositions, and guessed where we thought they came from.  Then trudged back to the vans in the scorching heat.

It was so hot! I thought I was going to die.

We ate lunch on a crater, where our bread toasted itself in the heat.  Then drove on a bumpy dirt road for nearly an hour at speeds that almost rattled my teeth out.  I seriously thought the vans were going to fall apart with us in them.  Then we saw the tracks that rocks make as they travel across playas.  I still think aliens are involved somehow.

Do you see the rock at the end of the trail?

We walked below sea level and tasted the rocks there.  Nice and salty.  Then we came home.

We are about 280 ft (85m) below sea level.

Yum ^_^

As glad as I was to come home, I wish that the field trip could have continued.  Reality is so difficult to navigate, it's always nice to have a break.

Trying to be Responsible

I moved my computer away from the tv. 

It was kind of a big production because I had to clear off my desk.  Somehow it became covered in junk.  I don't know where it all came from, it was just there.  I also had to move a pile of clothes off my chair.  Also, maybe I had to move some clothes off the floor so I could get to my chair...  There's a possibility I have too many clothes.

So, now I am going to be super productive, right? 

I certainly hope so, because things are happening with school, and stuff (mostly school), which means that I should probably watch a heck-a-ton less tv and do a heck-a-lot more homework.

Except, since moving my computer back where I won't be as distracted by tv, I have written a blog post instead of doing homework.  Whoops.   

I am in Love with My TV

There's this thing that I do called school that has killed any time that I have.  Except that really there's this other thing called TV that is the real culprit.
I'm sort of addicted.  And by sort of, I mean really a lot.
Basically, I am watching TV and going to school on the side.

There's this show that I really like that is on late at night, pretty much when I should be going to bed (actually, when it is on, I should probably already be asleep), and I just can't stop myself from watching it.  Even if I have seen the episode they are showing, it sucks me in.  My willpower disappears and I am glued to the TV screen.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to go to TV rehab soon.

A couple of days ago, I tried a new thing, I brought my computer down by the TV so I could do my homework during the commercials...  It didn't work.
I watched most of a Dick Van Dyke Show Marathon.  I also watched more TV and did less homework than before. 

What brilliantly, devious person came up with the idea of TV show marathons?  How is a person supposed to get anything done?  It's hard enough when the show plays once a week, or once a day.  But if it plays 18 times in a row, what's a person supposed to do? 

There's no escape.  There's only one solution.  I'm going to have to drop out of school.

Also, The Dick Van Dyke show is hilarious.  You should watch it.

I think sometimes I think too much

Sometimes I lay on the floor in front of my computer and I pretend to do homework, but really I'm listening to the TV playing downstairs, wondering what show my sister is watching and if I will regret it if I go down to see.

This weekend has been good.  I listened a lot.  And some things became clear to me.  I have to make some decisions, decisions I thought that I had already made, but I'm not sure if I decided the right thing, so I have to decide again.  These decisions scare me.  What if I am wrong?  What if I don't choose right?  What if there is no right and it doesn't matter what I decide, as long as I really decide, instead of decide by not deciding?  If that makes any sense.

I'm afraid of the future.  It's scary and full of possibilities and uncertain and I'm afraid I will ruin it.  But since I can't stop time, I guess I will just have to face my fears and move forward.